> Take a close look at what you assume the solution to your life must look like. Are there any of those assumptions that you could turn into variables instead?
> But the point is: you have to loosen some constraints to give yourself a chance at solving the key problems: they are hard enough in themselves.
> Take a close look at what you assume the solution to your life must look like. Are there any of those assumptions that you could turn into variables instead?
> But the point is: you have to loosen some constraints to give yourself a chance at solving the key problems: they are hard enough in themselves.
At the risk of sounds exactly like the friend you are criticizing in this essay – I find this type of advice to be so passé to the point that it makes me angry for one particular central reason: it never seems to want to account for the real, significant, painful, and irreversible costs that one might have to incur by relaxing constraints.
These are not abstract costs that one imagines for oneself like crossing the 'invisible chalk lines', but the fact that real people in real life – people who are supposed to love you and support you – will actively make you feel ashamed for 'not respecting chalk enough'; even after you show to them how that the way you are walking still lies within the values that you both share.
In the past year, I have started eating meat (primarily for health reasons) after a lifetime of being vegetation on religious grounds. Since I still care deeply about fulfilling the religious ethics of non-violence I was raised with; I've made painstaking effort of sourcing animal products from family farms that treat and slaughter their animals with great care. This has the added benefit of being environmentally friendly, as it doesn't contribute to the horrific practices and carbon footprint of factory farms.
Most of my relatives (with the exception of my parents, and even then, I can tell they disapprove deeply in their bones), and most of my co-religious friends growing up, have nevertheless become extremely comfortable labeling me as an unethical piece of sh*t who should hide this part of 'who I've become' in public.
I have similar stories in about nine to seventeen other areas: being exiled from a friend group of guys because I pursue monogamy as a gay man (which they believe that is intolerable and based a foundation of internalized bigotry); being barred from participating in a sports league that I enjoyed because the captain found out I work for a right-wing organization (which he only found out through internet stalking me); being blacklisted from a large recruiting network by an old contact because I wrote an essay with clear feedback on poor company practices (which is something he specifically asked me to produce while we were both employed there); to out list a few.
A lot these circumstances are not just things that 'happened several years' ago and that I have to learn to get over with time. They are still happening today with consequences that I have to bear alone for trying to actualize what I believe has value by doing the very thing you promote: taking small steps in unexpected ways.
I am taking time to write this out is because I imagine that for every one person who reads this essay and finds inspiration, there are another nine people who feel exactly the same as me, but they will never end up commenting on your post because they feel ashamed enough as it, without having to also face the alienation and deep grief that comes with stepping outside of the box and having a permanent, irreversible target put on your back because of it.
> If you don’t relax some constraints, you might discover that there is no viable life in the Venn diagram of assumptions you have about yourself and the world.
→ "But when you do relax them, you find that even if you have a shot at solving the problems, you become a fugitive from everything that was supposed to keep you cherished and secure, and those close to you eagerly relish in blaming for you for bringing that upon yourself."
Maybe instead of just writing about solving one's problems relaxing constraints, you should expand your essay to include a section on how to do so without losing the respect, connection, and belonging of those who are supposed to be your friends and family: but when push comes to shove they (and everyone else in the world) prove repeatedly that the only way to keep those things is to stay inside the lines.
> Take a close look at what you assume the solution to your life must look like. Are there any of those assumptions that you could turn into variables instead?
> But the point is: you have to loosen some constraints to give yourself a chance at solving the key problems: they are hard enough in themselves.
At the risk of sounds exactly like the friend you are criticizing in this essay – I find this type of advice to be so passé to the point that it makes me angry for one particular central reason: it never seems to want to account for the real, significant, painful, and irreversible costs that one might have to incur by relaxing constraints.
These are not abstract costs that one imagines for oneself like crossing the 'invisible chalk lines', but the fact that real people in real life – people who are supposed to love you and support you – will actively make you feel ashamed for 'not respecting chalk enough'; even after you show to them how that the way you are walking still lies within the values that you both share.
In the past year, I have started eating meat (primarily for health reasons) after a lifetime of being vegetation on religious grounds. Since I still care deeply about fulfilling the religious ethics of non-violence I was raised with; I've made painstaking effort of sourcing animal products from family farms that treat and slaughter their animals with great care. This has the added benefit of being environmentally friendly, as it doesn't contribute to the horrific practices and carbon footprint of factory farms.
Most of my relatives (with the exception of my parents, and even then, I can tell they disapprove deeply in their bones), and most of my co-religious friends growing up, have nevertheless become extremely comfortable labeling me as an unethical piece of sh*t who should hide this part of 'who I've become' in public.
I have similar stories in about nine to seventeen other areas: being exiled from a friend group of guys because I pursue monogamy as a gay man (which they believe that is intolerable and based a foundation of internalized bigotry); being barred from participating in a sports league that I enjoyed because the captain found out I work for a right-wing organization (which he only found out through internet stalking me); being blacklisted from a large recruiting network by an old contact because I wrote an essay with clear feedback on poor company practices (which is something he specifically asked me to produce while we were both employed there); to out list a few.
A lot these circumstances are not just things that 'happened several years' ago and that I have to learn to get over with time. They are still happening today with consequences that I have to bear alone for trying to actualize what I believe has value by doing the very thing you promote: taking small steps in unexpected ways.
I am taking time to write this out is because I imagine that for every one person who reads this essay and finds inspiration, there are another nine people who feel exactly the same as me, but they will never end up commenting on your post because they feel ashamed enough as it, without having to also face the alienation and deep grief that comes with stepping outside of the box and having a permanent, irreversible target put on your back because of it.
> If you don’t relax some constraints, you might discover that there is no viable life in the Venn diagram of assumptions you have about yourself and the world.
→ "But when you do relax them, you find that even if you have a shot at solving the problems, you become a fugitive from everything that was supposed to keep you cherished and secure, and those close to you eagerly relish in blaming for you for bringing that upon yourself."
Maybe instead of just writing about solving one's problems relaxing constraints, you should expand your essay to include a section on how to do so without losing the respect, connection, and belonging of those who are supposed to be your friends and family: but when push comes to shove they (and everyone else in the world) prove repeatedly that the only way to keep those things is to stay inside the lines.